I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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