Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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