I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
