does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
