Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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