You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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