This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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