Too much gin, very little bucket
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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