There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
