What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
