Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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