My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
