It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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