he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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