I just pynch a tree in the face
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
