were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
