Quick, to the slutcave!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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