Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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