I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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