Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
