How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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