I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
