So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
