I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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