After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
