did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
