sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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