I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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