I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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