i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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