If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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