i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
