Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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