i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
