College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
