that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sobbing to NWA
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
