i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
