so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
