Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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