well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
