i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
