i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
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I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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