i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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