Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
