and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I fill condoms, not promises.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
