im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
