the condom got lost in my hair
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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