Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
