Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
