I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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