she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
