I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
