get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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