I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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