My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
